you think you know, but you have no idea...

by the by...

2007-04-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

i've switched to writing on my myspace now. yep, joined the legions, so add me: www.myspace.com/umbilicalheadphones

Petey

2007-03-19T22:20:00.000-07:00

holy fucking shit, Peter Dolving is a genius. that's all i can say for now, i'll write more when i get back home. damn, thank you. damn.

edit:
ok, i'm back. actually before i write about peter, i'd like to share my little mini odyssey of the night. i made it to Pasadena just fine, but when i went to drive back i took a different freeway entrance and got a bit lost. suddenly i started seeing signs for Glendale and thought, 'ah this isn't good...' a couple exits later i got off, and by the grace of God it happened to be the one exit i KNEW since i'd used it to go to the YWCA to paint a mural there. thanks to that i was able to get back on the correct freeway and find my way back home :) i know that really isn't much, and i was very fortunate to get off on the exit i did, but for someone who rarely drives outside their town it was quite a little adventure. in fact i laughed coming back cause last Friday i'd meant to take some time to drive around Pasadena and Glendale specifically to explore. funny how stuff works out.

alright, now back to Mr. Dolving, a man who i was delightfully surprised with only a few hours ago. you see, he happens to be the lead singer of The Haunted, a band i'm going to see in concert less than a month from now. That being said, i usually like to research a little on acts i'm going to see if i'm not already obsessed with them (and therefore obviously do not know enough information about). so here i was looking up fan sites of the band when i ran across a link to Peter's myspace (it's http://www.myspace.com/dolving). intrigued, i clicked the link hoping to find some info on his side projects, maybe some humorous personal blurbs. instead i found oh so much more, much more than i could have hoped. when i got to the page the first thing that caught my eye was his personal picture of himself on stage in a very interesting pose. it very much reminded me of Maynard James Keenan, or general Tool album artwork. a faceless (almost) naked body in a curled, shadowed position of isolation. so just by that first image i got high hopes of this page being good. next of course i loved his quote "submit, obey, rejoice." more reinforcement i was venturing into the personal space of an active thinker, someone very aware of the reality of our herding tendencies, our natural love of direction. yet after this my hope dwindled. okay, he's made his little clever, artsy statements; he's got his little "Why Of Course The People Don't Want War" poster. this is probably it, he's shown a little flare for politics and the individual; now we'll just have some brief "hi everyone what's up" journal entries and maybe a band update here or there.

nope. Peter's quite a mouthful.

reading his journal entries is nothing short of pure joy for me. he's real, he's insightful, and i'd go so far as to say he's rather wise. he writes a lot, and he writes often. i usually look up to vocalists because they're the ones who write the lyrics, a point of music i'm much more adept at dissecting and studying, so finding the journals of one so thought provoking and active as Peter is is like an ultimate treasure. i'm looking forward to seeing The Haunted live a thousand times more now, and if i can, i'd love to go around to the tour bus and shake this guy's hand. please keep writing, Mr. Dolving, you've inspired me and shown me blogs are still a very worthwhile endeavor.

REBIRTH

2007-03-02T22:41:00.000-08:00

Gah DWW. I don't think that will ever be wiped from my mind. So how's it hanging, people? Fairly well? By a thread? Whatever, however it is you're reading this scrap of virtual notepad I’ve carved out to write whatever the hell I wish. I could write "Hitler kicks ass” or "Hitler licks ass" with the slightest change of keystroke! It’s all for me to decide. Then you can write your own protests on the comments page in utter futility, because hardly anyone takes the time to click that link. "Yeah well I ALWAYS check the comments page, Haley. I enjoy seeing the views of EVERYONE and then communicating my own thoughts in a coherent, relevant manner." Well do you know what that makes you? Hardly anyone! Sad indeed.. fucking Cave..

Anyway, I recently reread this blog and found I really valued what a time capsule it is for my thoughts and views. I may still agree with many of the points, but reading back my own former train of thought and thought pattern was both intriguing and weird. And highlighted once again my own narcissism :) which is a very difficult part of me to grapple with... of course I believe it's bad to be absorbed with oneself, but at the same time I’m fascinated with my own mind, since it is the only one I’m able to be inside of 24/7. The mind is an amazing creation; I thoroughly enjoy my Psychology class. Easily the best class I’ve chosen to take besides Art (remember, English was mandatory. Yeah Padilla!). But yeah, narcissism, hard to handle. Yet at least I’m aware of it; it's horrible to be narcissistic and not know it or care. Ignorance and apathy: the characteristics of Cave dwellers and enemies of Truth.

However since this is my little piece of cyber space I think it'd be appropriate to talk about my life here and there. For example, I have a little minimum wage job now, and I miss the four to sometimes eight hours it eats up out of my day :/ that was time I’d use to talk to friends or contemplate life. Now all that's left is food and homework time, and my mind has rebelled and refuses most of homework time to give itself contemplation time. It demands this inward stimulation since the outward stimulation of discussion has been almost totally denied (yet yesterday I had a wonderful conversation with a coworker about language and traveling. A rare gem of relief in this mindless work). Glad to have this experience though. It proves to me I NEED to get an artistic job, or I may one day just not get out of bed from sheer lack of purpose *shudder*. And in practical terms, if I ever need another quick crap job I’ve got something to put on my résumé.

Alright, this seems a fine bit of rambling for something of a ‘reunion tour’ of posts. Except I’m not doing anything for the mulah! I’m doing it for ME! (and I'm not lying about that!)

Good mood

2006-01-28T00:13:00.000-08:00

i thought i'd write now, as i'm in an especially good mood. why the good mood? boils down to good friends, basically. tonight some buddies took me out shopping at Melrose Street to get me some birthday gifts, and it was a great time walking around for a few hours, looking in various shops, seeing what stars had been there too, etc. then my best friend and i chatted even more over AIM, and i also spoke with my Aussi friend, who usually puts me in a good mood. of all my online friends, he definitely clicks with me the most- which is kind of funny. we don't live the same kind of lives, yet there's a level that we meet on, so it doesn't matter. we also happen to be the same age, so that probably helps.
To sum it up, "he's cool."

ok, i think i'll dedicate this post to thoughts on connecting with people.

*having a common passion is an excellent start, but it definitely doesn't seal the deal. you must be able to speak to each other on things relative to your everyday life. if all your conversations usually stick to the common interest, and just vary with sub interests within that interest, don't expect to ever become very close. one topic in which i've found these illusionary friendships to form is during crushes. first off the crusher is feverish, and reaching out for connections in all ways possible. they want HELP. and since this kind of 'love' is an extremely hot topic, people usually respond and come to see what they can do. so now you have two people talking about an incredibly core emotion, so naturally they can come to feel very close to each other - one in gratitude and one in honor of being confided to. yet this relationship will most likely last only as long as the crush does. after that, if no renewal of the topic (a crush) appears, the two 'friends' can fall apart from one another rather quickly.

*when you can threaten one another's lives enthusiastically, with grim details, you're often very close to having a good bond. at least this is how it is with me :]

*connections need mutual amounts of interest. in this case no one person can have "enough zeal for the both of you." if interest is uneven it can lead to awkward feelings and even repulsion by one to another. initiations of contact should be relatively equal. one should not feel "pursued" or "hunted" by the other.

i know i've thought of more things, but i can't remember them all right now. i'll add later - right now i'm getting to bed, as i have an In Flames concert to get to tomorrow. that probably contributed as well to the afore mentioned 'good mood' :]

Så. Tja.

2005-12-13T22:05:00.000-08:00

been a while since the last post. every one of my posts could start this way, but this time it applies ..more so. 3 months or so is a record pour moi, heheh.

i enjoy i haven't posted in so long though. this place usually collects my thoughts when i feel troubled or saddened over something, so i haven't been troubled or saddened too greatly for 3 months - i'd say that's good.

i have several things to write on, but i'll start with the one gnawing most at the back of my mind lately - friends vs the 'virtual' ones. for about 7 months now i've been an active member of a forum and website dedicated to one of my favorite bands. the band part may be the pretext, but it really has grown into a very interesting little community. there are members registers from over 25 different countries - i feel like part of a little UN. coming from so many cultural backgrounds, yet everyone treats each other with respect and good will. it's a mini world peace. this place has opened my eyes incredibly regarding the world and how similar humans are no matter where they're from. the idea of being divided into countries almost seems silly to me now, it's a weird way to label people. it's also terribly interesting to look at the clock at 11pm and think, 'hmm, it's 8am in France, Pukie should be up soon,' or come home from school at 3pm and talk with my Australian buddy, Pinball, who's complaining because a phone woke him up just now at 10am; see he's on summer break right now. again, funny, isn't it? we're even whole seasons apart from one another. it really makes you realize how relative everything is; you learn what really matters and what's just circumstance.

this community has also given me a new respect for language. the official language of the boards is English, since that's basically the international language these days. so the majority of the members speak their own language, English, and usually one more (most likely from a country they border). so i sit here and think, 'dang, and here i am just trying to wrap my head around French.' it encourages me to become fluent, and it also encouraged me to pick up a third language, one which just happened to be that of the band :P
Svenska är bra ^^ (Swedish is good.)
and since a good friend of mine from the forum happens to be French, she helps me with the language. imagine! learning French from a native; some people pay hundreds for that.

anyway, so now that you're all wondering, 'where does the friend controversy come in...' here it is: i spend a lot of free time at that place, or thinking about things having to do with it. in fact i don't even talk to my friends from home online any more. i leave the phone for that. my thought on the matter is "AIM is superfluous when i can see those guys everyday at school. if i need to be reached the good ol' phone is always open. the international people i can ONLY see online, so that option should be limited to just them." But some of my friends i don't get to see at school, or at least i see very little of them. this i do regret.. but at the same time i think of how distracting instant messaging can be, and into the later hours of the night. at least with forums you can just reply and that's it, no one's saying "no, no, don't sleep. go look at this website and keep talking with me until IIII want to leave." Also if i talk with out-of-country people the time zones allow it to already be midnight or later by the time i get home from school, so we only talk for one or two hours at most. that greatly helps to limit online time.

i guess i just want my friends who live around me to know that i do care for you all and am trying to figure things out. i love hanging out and going places with you guys, and i hope not seeing you online so often won't damage anything. even if you can't see me on your buddy list, that doesn't mean i've disappeared off the face of the earth.

The Lid to the Box

2005-09-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

alright, i need to write something new here, for the radical post of earlier this month has been staring at me for some time with its piercing eyes, begging to know why i did not write it better. and i can't turn to face those burning eyes because of the shame and frustration of NOT being able to express it better. so now i must fill up this worthless space to bury it so i may relieve myself from the pressure of its demands for the time being. sadly i still lack the wisdom and insight required of conveying such ideals and concepts, so the most that is able to be born prematurely is this monstrosity of a manuscript with eyes of deep coal pits which bore into my very being, ever demanding answers which ironically my faults keep me from communicating. therefore in a literary grave i am covering it, and if this topsoil interests you i'm glad it happened to entertain as well.

Please, consider what I'm saying

2005-09-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

our hunger, to learn, to know... what eats at us as a race. must discover, must explore, must understand. we yearn, we have wanting for it. want. dissatisfaction if we cannot know, we want to have the universe. this is the root, the original sin we laid upon ourselves. why could we not stay away from that forbidden tree? why did we let ourselves fall from Eden? God took care everything we needed in paradise. we had no need to hunger, to thirst. there was no need. And then we bit the fruit, and stopped to ask "Why?" We took a look around and asked "How?"
from that moment on, humans became like toddlers in their terrible twos; we wanted to do everything ourselves.

and so here we sit in the world today, about 0.00000000000000000000000000000000∞0000.1% of God's knowledge. most of us won't trust Him to give us the perfect answer to everything; we lost belief. when Adam and Eve consumed the forbidden fruit hunger entered our stomachs. this original sin spawned every other sin imaginable because all of a sudden we weren't happy. we became ashamed of our nakedness before Father, and shied away from Him with shame that we'd disobeyed.

ah... i can't always explain everything i want to get across. I'm trying very hard for this though. here, let me make at least this clear:
God made us in His likeness, and wishes to be personally involved with every one of us. since He made us in His likeness, each of us has the ability to personally communicate with God. Really. Speaking from experience, nothing in the world can make you happier than realizing an all-powerful being took the time to listen to you and then answer you. You, a infinitely tiny speck in the universe, was heard and replied to by God, He who made every single thing EVER. He's... It's..It's your creator. He made you... created.. i don't know how much that means to others, but for myself it's especially touching. that word, that idea. so simple a word and yet- You. You have a Master that cares and listens and loves you no matter what.

please, believe me when i write that feeling the repercussions of this is truly amazing and fills me with splendid awe.

and yet even though there is One who would do all of this, we still want to do things on our own. and i know to many this post will sound ridiculous. "She's bashing learning! What, does she think we should all be drooling numbskulls that sit in our own ignorance?" No, i agree we shouldn't be sitting in ignorance, but we SHOULD consult Father instead of relying on our own comparably feeble understanding. it only makes sense. if there was a crystal ball that told you the true answer to anything you asked it, would you want one of your own? Of course you would!! on this matter i must mention a book by Joy Dawson titled Forever Ruined for the Ordinary. in it includes The 24 Ways Through Which God Speaks. really fascinating information.

i was also thinking on the matter of sheep. look at them, herd animals by nature, lead around by their shepherd. those who follow the shepherd, the one who knows what's best for them, are kept safe. yet there are always those who stray from the flock and wander to the patch of grass they think is right. and the shepherd, distressed to find some sheep are missing, goes back to feverishly look for the lost animals; when he finds them he rejoices and brings them home. Jesus made many similar comparisons between humans and sheep, and do you know why? because it's TRUE. look at what has been deemed "the masses." i know this term has a negative connotation, but it does prove the point. we are like herd animals, we watch to see what others do and imitate them to learn for ourselves. naturally in some it shows through more than others. and of course, the herd is not always following the Shepherd. and this is a good part of the reason why the world is in such disarray.

the term "the masses" only proves we are in fact like sheep, but its negative connotation shows our sinful resentment of this. we dislike being tossed into a crowd. we all want to have our own identities... and where did this need for identity start? that's right, at the Fall from Eden, when we bit the fruit and gained self consciousness and the yearning to do things ourselves. and so we all think this yearning is good, when it isn't. people take pride in what they know, people greed to know more, and people compete and war to know the most. and still this little bit of knowledge is nothing compared to Him.

we may not be able to control our natural hunger for knowledge, but the least we can do is get our priorities straight. The all-powerful, all-knowing creator? first. everyone else around you? second. yourself? last, my friend. altruism. learn to love it, along with everything else. personally i find it more pleasurable to enjoy everything than to hate it. yet i can only speak for myself...

I'm not saying go out and blindly follow some cult. I'm just asking you to be humble enough to head God's message of love, to love your neighbor as you love yourself. and if this all does sound like a cult to you, then i wonder what's so bad about a cult of love?

Vi är internationell...Nous sommes internationale...We are international...

2005-08-31T23:43:00.000-07:00

om där är en grej jag har lärt mig på sommar, det är man behörver veta världet. man kan inte leva i sin värld, det gör man okunnig. folkar är jättestor! tala med dem! ni är mycket lika. especially our generation, millennium children. the internet is such an amazing tool, i myself own so much to it. in fact, i'm really beginning to believe peace would come a lot faster if children of the world were just allowed to be in frequent contact, sort of grow up together. at least there'd be some hesitation on declaring war towards country one of your good friends lives in. Je suis sûr je ne voudrais pas batailler France! j'y ai une bonne amie! or Turkey, or Hungary, or Sweden, or Finland, or Australia, or the UK... Mes amis, j'ai peur pour eux. aussi, guerre est juste mal... mais je signifié sauf cet. jag hoppar någonting är tydlig från det här. min grammatik månde inte är allt rätt ännu, men åminstone jag har börjat... har börjat försöka förstå. language est vraiment le premeir pas connaître nos frères et nos soeurs du monde. if we each took the time to learn one or two... maybe then we could drop the old prides, the divisions of our history.

it feels better to be known as human rather than American.

ou français.

eller svensk.

for my non Swedish-speaking brethren:
http://lexikon.nada.kth.se/cgi-bin/swe-eng

for my non French-speaking brethren:
http://dictionaries.travlang.com/FrenchEnglish/

Quick! Gotta Save The Blog

2005-08-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

yarg i need to save this blog before it goes emo! *dun dun duhdun dun dun dun DUN* man this chinese food is yummy..

right, so i know this place has been all sad lately, what with becoming somewhat antisocial, questioning my sanity, and have In Flames 2DVD + 2CD boxset pushed back to September 20th (astric astric star swirl astric exclamation point pound sign dollar sign swirl) - which i don't even think i complained about on here (freakin europeans get it 2 months before the US :[ ).

i swear there's been lots of good time too! such as my awesome summer trip i've told many about... and helping friends put the finishing touches on their house, playing with my sisters' new cockatiels, buying 5 new swedish melodicdeathmetal albums to consol myself for the belated IF box (no doubt i'll give my full review for those in a second >D), not to mention becoming a Starwars freak :P och svenska har varit bra också. (and here's a swede-eng dictionary so you guys can start translating what i say: http://lexin.nada.kth.se/swe-eng.shtml )

there's even going to be an in flames concert relatively close soon (and in a club, no less!), but it all depends if one of my parents will consent to take my friend and i. i'm hoping if i finish my summer homework very quick they'll agree... i'd rather not go to ozzfest, because first of all, the venue they chose for my city sucks big time, and secondly the only band i'd truly care to see is IF, and they just do a 20 minute opener!!! that's horrible. i sincerely hope they'll play at least double that in the club. plus its so much cozier in a club.... and there's no assigned spots... and fewer (though i'll admit denser) people to fight through to get to the front (i'd hope to avoid this by turning up way early :P).

the four bands playing will be In Flames, Shadows Fall, Mudvayne, and one i've never heard of... anyway, seeing in flames and shadows fall would be great. however it looks like mudvayne is gonna be the headliner.. STRICTLY because they're more well-know in the states... not like they've been playing nearly as long as IF... or have half the talent... yet i'm not bitter..
ah, i forgot to mention that Mudvayne get to play 2 hours on Ozzfest while as i said IF plays 20 min - this is why i was already annoyed with Mud.

ah well, one day i'm going to travel to Göteborg and gorge myself on music. then all will be right with the world.

speaking of that fantastic city, i'll now disclose those five albums i bought:
The Gallery - Dark Tranquillity
Haven - Dark Tranquillity
Character - Dark Tranquillity
Stabbing The Drama - Soilwork
The Glorious Burden - Iced Earth (American, i know, but metal nonetheless)

i'll start off with The Glorious Burden because i feel the majority of you would actually appreciate this work, metalheads or not -it's all about the history of our country, and it uses clean vocals! (aka vocals that aren't screaming :P)

wow, this was an amazing album. the lyrics were very well written and definitely well-researched. Jon (guitarist, this album was his brainchild) knows his history. the subject matter spans from now ("When the Eagle Cries" - a song on 9/11) to 1776 ("1776" - on the declaration of independence) to war in general ("Green Face" - from a soldier's POV).
the tracks for the three days of Gettysburg.... blew me away. amazingly well constructed and thought-out. i also thoroughly enjoyed the track on the Declaration of Independence, it surely captured the spirit of it all. in fact i felt this album was delivered so well that i suggested to my family that we all listen to it as we drove across the country on vacation. everyone really enjoyed the music, especially the songs on the hellish bloodbath that was the Battle of Gettysburg. i narrated Jon's notes during the instrumentals of the tracks as my whole family listened eagerly in the car. i highly recommend the album, especially to all americans who have learned our history as i have. this is definitely my study music for AP American History next year.

OH JEEZ, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING. remember a while back when i was ragging on the vocals of In Flames first album? Lunar Strain/Subterranean? how much i hated those early vocals and was so happy Anders Friden replaced them.............. well now you see i'm in love with a certain band named Dark Tranquillity.....as you see i bought 3 of their albums..........that first IF vocalist? i just realized that it was Mikael Stanne, the vocalist of DT. whoops. i now must go listen to LS/ST with a whole new respect...

"Tread not the path of least restraint..."

2005-07-17T00:55:00.000-07:00

not even sure how to start this one out, so i'll just use old reliable.

"Here goes:"
this blog is both a relief and constant worry to me. on one hand, it's finally a place for me to clean my spirit. i couldn't use the standard journal or diary because those are still supposed to be kept secret.. i needed a place where it had the possibility of being viewed by anyone. put the writing on the wall, so to speak. yet on the other hand, if this is your only source of me i'm afraid you'll highly mistake who i am. i go here mostly when i'm feeling darker or desperate, when i need to release. this is more like a place for those of you who already know me to get a deeper look inside, to my shadows.

it's a rather large risk to make myself so incredibly vulnerable. i know this and accept it.

now with that introduction down, i must write what i originally sat down here to confess: i worry that i am going insane.
i don't worry all the time, but occasionally i'll think about it and actually find parts of my mind that support it. i'm definitely twisted in ways, ways i won't even mention here and don't think i'll ever mention to anybody. those aspects of my head i'll take with me to my grave. one less-sick idea (comparably) i mused over just a few minutes ago was covering my hands in blood. i do not want to kill, but i would like to have my hands soaked in human blood. yes, i asked myself, it does have to be human. there are ways i've thought of of achieving this with no one harmed, but would i really do this? i'm not sure.. maybe just for the experience, i don't know. like i said, this is sick, no? worries me...

also in a less twisted sense i think about the frailty of life. how at whatever moment i could do something that would kill myself or another. how the possibility is always there. every time i choose the life road though. i don't believe killing is my privilege, that is left for God. not my dimension to play in, no... anyway, that's another concept i always think about.

maybe i should mention the single trigger that opened me to writing these thoughts down. it was Dark Tranquillity's music video for "Monochromatic Stains." hopefully you can guess the 'monochromatic stains' mentioned are blood. the video/lyrics are about a person who goes insane and kills. in the video i believe it's his own child he murders.. anyway, it shows himself inside his head, the demons haunting him and pushing him towards insanity. pushing him to kill. (all in all i loved the video as it features the work of Niklas Sundin - he's their guitarist, but he does graphic design for many bands - as the backgrounds and environment. also the actor is painted in the old fashioned drama makeup which i enjoy to be used in contemporary art.)

hmm, writing on that reminds me strongly of the genius work of Jhonen Vasquez, "Johnny The Homicidal Maniac". not to give tooo much away, the plot is also about a character who is being pushed to kill. the story in this one goes so much deeper though. i highly recommend it for those of you who are able to read deeper into things. it is in graphic novel format, and has an incredible taste of macbre humor to go along with it. it's definitely for mature audiences though (and i mean real maturity, not that stupid age limit of 17 and older). and after you read JTHM, be sure to read 1 and 2 of "I Feel Sick" also by Vasquez. these actually dig deeper into the concept of what was making johnny kill.. as an artist it sent chills down my spine. when you read it you'll find out particularly why....

anyway, i feel this post coming to a close. notice many of these writings are published very late at night or very early in the morning. morening. mourning. it is surely the time i let my shadow mind roam.

after a reread..

2005-07-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

the post below was written at a time of stress and was worded rather dramatically (as most things on this blog are).

trust me that it was just a cry for a break and space. nothing personal to you all. i hope it isn't taken so seriously and become misunderstood.

that is all.

Summer Uproots

2005-07-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

hm, well, little over a month... seems time for an update. i've actually thought about writing in here a few times, but um, i've felt ...different lately. even just writing this the feeling reminds me of its presence. i'll do my best to describe it.. maybe explaining what’s been happening these days would help to relate it.

first of all, when school was out, i felt it. the very minute we walked out of class i felt it was summer. normally it'll take a few weeks for it to sink in that i wouldn't have to wake up to an alarm or have assignments due the next day (even last summer i NEVER felt like school was over... sort of sucked yet i kind of didn't mind it. i'm normally chill with the daily routine so it just felt like a longer weekend, nothing more.) but now... boom, it's summer, i know.

what's been troubling me is the way i feel about my group of good friends i hung out with all during school. i've even written in here about how close i felt with them and how much i loved being around with them.

Now.
Now is so, sooo different.

Leave me to my world, you are interruptions. it's annoying to be shaken. my world. you do not live in this dimension. get. out.

animal, shaken, different. the phone rings and i slink away from their touch. AIM is alien. i need to delete all but five sns from my list. maybe even more. annoying, trivial
interruptions.

a waste of time. that's it, it just feels like when we do stuff we do nothing.
we do not do, we do not.

and this causes me to grit my teeth from the frustration, time being just blown off. it's lack of stimulation. i can't stand it, when i sit there and watch our gatherings deteriorate into disorganized stagnation, insignificance crawls and writhes and gnashes its fangs, clawing my insides to barb-wire ribbon. i just think of how i could be reading or helping other friends or studying Swedish (a pastime i've come to enjoy thoroughly and hope to become quite fluent in). even file-hunting music media. something that feels like it's actually being put towards purpose, even if it only has significance for me.

haha, i actually just took the time to name the people who have meaning to me these days and would love to hang out with, it wouldn't even matter where. and you know what? it only took six fingers. and by the way, two of these people i've only been around with twice. and two others? little less than twice my age. the remaining two are in my grade, one i'm pretty sure she knows who she is. the last? maybe they know, maybe they don't.

and why do i write all this down? it's so horribly cruel to my school mates. but this is exactly why i'm writing this, IT TORTURES ME. or at least makes me stop and wonder, wonder why the hell i feel so disgusted to hang with people i wrote a message of utmost gratitude only months ago. i suppose it's really just the waste of time and disorganization that makes me totally uninterested.

perhaps when school comes around again i'll be different. with all that work its good to have a break to do nothing. but these days are mine to deal with, and i don't plan on wasting that opportunity.

guys, i'm sorry, i'm sure somewhere inside of me i still care for you all... but at the moment i need time.. these summer 'mind matters'* have their own rules.

*song by Dark Tranquility i recommend. more melodic death metal genius from Göteborg (Gothenburg), Sweden. impressed me how they did go back to the original roots on the latest album. not many bands really pull that off.
Also Stabbing The Drama, Soilwork’s new album (yes, also from Gothenburg. damn that city rules.)

2005-06-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

"EGONOMIC"
A MASS ILLUSION BLIND MEN IN A LINE THEY SMOTHER THEIR FIRES WITH GASOLINE A STRANGER'S CONTRIBUTION EVERYBODY'S ON THE RUN NO CLUE WHERE THEY ARE HEADING A SPINELESS ATTEMPT HAVE WE LOST IT COMPLETELY? IT ALWAYS ENDS UP IN A MESS A LIAR'S AMBITION PRAISED LIKE A KING EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY WE ARE GETTING WEAKER YOU WON'T GO FAR WITH THE LIFE THAT YOU'RE LIVING EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY WE ARE GETTING WEAKER SLOW AND CALCULATED AFRAID OF THE SLEEPING WELL NEVER EVER REACH THE GOAL.

"Dark Signs"

Held down, strangled and abused
Cut down to half a member
Left with his hand tied
Everything points in the wrong direction

All the joy disappeared
The negative has penetrated
Once he was in control
What's left, the faintest laughter

[Chorus:]

We're out of focus, we've lost control (are you afriad?)
I blame our ego and you call me names (do you really want to be saved?)

You're told that you are trapped below
And dark signs helped to prove
You got to reach further
For what life shall provide

Feeling pressure from the fold
He believes the dream is over
Drained blue eye, scorching fire
The whole meaning becomes undone

[Chorus x2]

Just a couple of IF songs i chose to put up. both happen to be off Reroute to Remain: 14 Songs of Concious Insanity (i love the subtitle xD). The two seem to be related.

Mad World

2005-06-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

Ever listened to "Mad World" by Gary Jules? Fantastic song. It's actually a cover of a Tears For Fears track; those of you who've seen Donnie Darko should know it, comes right at the very end. So haunting, so sad; it always sets me in a quiet, contemplating mood. The soft piano, a lonely voice, a somber cello... It feels like when played, everything within earshot should suddenly slow, stop; conversations would fall silent between most, and then those who hadn't noticed at first would become very aware of how deserted their exchange had become, and so fall silent too.

This song... Just happening upon it at random on my playlist, Kurt Cobain came to mind. Rather, Kurt moments before his suicide. As if it were the soundtrack to the scene. Thinking on this, "Mad World" seems to fit the moment before any suicide, the sad tortured life. Layne Stanley followed in thought right after Kurt. I know it was more like Layne eventually overdosed just because his addiction had finally reached this point rather than it being flat-out intended suicide, but the song fit anyway, again moments before death.

I ask you to listen to the melody, and picture what I was saying. It fits. OD, handgun, stabbing, hanging, drowning; it is the song to the tragedy. In the end, death would happen right as the song finished. The quiet closing. Body still, violent flash, wounds bleeding, form swinging, breathing stopped.

How mad this world can be.

We Exist For the Next

2005-05-31T16:49:00.000-07:00

i first got the idea of this when read a quote from Mao Tse-tung: "Force is the midwife of every old society pregnant with a new one." now, this entry is not on the true meaning of that quote per say, but only the imagery of a small portion of it. when i read "old society pregnant with a new one," i loved the concept. i liked picturing the cracked and crumbling cities swell and bulge until finally the new sleeker, more efficient child emerged, shaking off the rubble of its past. i also purely enjoyed the thought of the baby shedding its mother, instead of the mother forcing the baby from the womb, as if it were the child's decision; a babe emerging in graceful purity as the skin of it's mother crumples to the ground beneath it, simply an empty shell completed its purpose. (however i bear nothing against mothers, keep in mind this was just a short concept).

so here's what i wrote:

our generation is the new, the advanced. we shed our mothers and enter the world, fresh as the next elite. we are the evolved, those yet to control. our parents teach us of the past, prepare us for when we will need to grasp the reigns of the world. humans are the keepers of Earth. this is why we were given higher consciousness, to care for the rest of life, to appreciate God's design. we are educated, given a compressed jolt of knowledge on all our race has worked to learn before us. if we do not take the time to appreciate what our ancestors lived to discover, we are fools - backwards. for those who believe school is "The Man" feeding us only what he wants us to hear, rebel and take heart from multiple sources. sick of FOX, CNN? Find out what opinion Germany holds, or Sweden or Japan. we must know the shape the WHOLE world is in before we take it, know the problems before we can fix them, take our time learning to prepare how to fix them. this is what our schools are for. it's sad how corrupt the system is becoming though. the importance is not being recognized, and this could be our downfall.
our purpose? prepare for the next generation. those who will shed us, the continuation of humanity. we hold only importance for those after us; we are always only predecessors. know this, and one will finally see why altruism is so important.
nature has long taught everything is for the race. Darwinism, reproduction - everything circles this. so realize that one ONLY exists to help the other.
this of course cannot work in pure perfection until ALL have realized this and are willing to follow it in entirety. yet people wonder, 'but if one is busy serving everybody else, then how will they be able to eat for themselves?" isn't the answer obvious? the rest of the race would be serving you of course! however, the more i write about this the more i see it paralleling communism... not really in total ideal, but in the fact that it IS an ideal, and so far humanity has proven that perfection cannot be achieved without the perfect, and humans are certainly far from perfect.

it just proves altruism though, and specifically WHY it's so important... we only serve to advance the next. remember this.

Tune From A Memory

2005-05-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

*blows on the blog, causing a puff of dust to rise into the air*

sheesh it's been awhile, almost a month. sorry guys, i got side tracked by life and forgot to write about it. i do have a topic for today though-

while watching the dvd from With The Lights Out (Nirvana boxset), i started thinking about the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and how it had haunted me for most of my life. i was born early in '89, so by the time Nirv was really at their height i had a good deal of wits about me; or at least enough to treasure a scrap of melody.

"Here we are now, entertain us." this was the only lyric i had always clearly remembered. the rest was more of a mumbled mix-up that i filled some words in for; however, the music itself was always strong in my mind. i didn't know what it was called, who it was by, or the faintest idea of what it meant. i just loved it. sometimes i would remember the tune and sing it to myself at 3, 4, 5 years old. it was probably the first 'newer' rock song i'd ever heard (i say newer because i was fed led zep as far as i can remember. my dad loves them).

thinking back on this just mysitifies me. i mean, here i was, a mere toddler, supposed to be loving "Ol' Mc Donald" or "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and i had already taken a Nirvana song to heart. i didn't know genres, i didn't know rock - as kids my sisters and i would hate the radio; we only wanted our children's songs. a little less than a decade later my friend introduced me to the local rock station. when "Teen Spirit" came on i thought, 'wow... it's that song,' and was pleased to be reunited with it once more.

more recently when i started seriously digging into grunge i learned all the proper lyrics and some history on where the title came from. i had time to think about it, how this is really my life song, the earliest song with true meaning i had made a concious decision in approving. not influenced at all in my judgement -the name "nirvana" wasn't even mentioned in my house as far as i can remember- it was appreciated all on my own.

dude, i was one cool little kid x]

2005-05-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

piece by painful piece i carefully collect scattered songs across the barren wasteland. i search everywhere in everyway, trying to gather enough to form a rare concert bootleg. damn my foreign tastes. nervously yet eagerly i fond over the little downloads, so weak and tentative. it's never a sure thing; at any moment the solitary host i've been able to latch onto may disappear, abandoning my file as unwhole, incomplete. it could be days, sometimes months before another suitable host is discovered, flushed out after long, tedious hours of search.

if anything i finished these days it's nothing but pure miracle; after every complete download there is much rejoicing. i hold my breath right to the very last milibyte, as previous experience has made me extremely distrusting. once as i was literally a mere BYTE away from a completed file it died on me. i was forced to wait another 2 weeks until i could finally watch it.

at the moment i'm working on a certain concert from Sweden, but it's no easy going. at first all of the files popped up in a single search. as i practically shook with joy i double-clicked the little bastards (only one host...where is the father?). However, only 2 songs in i found out the host had left, and i've been struggling to find them ever since.

in another example, i have 9/10 bootleg videos of an IF club show in Ohio, back from 2000. why missing the one? because apparently all the people who have "Only For The Weak" in their Shared Files have been shot or no longer find the internet a necessity to their existence. and i'm not bitter.

so yes, p2p can be quite treacherous territory for the pirate with expensive tastes. yet i feel the wind be blowin' in a favorable gust, and that virtual Spanish galleon be just a little ways from colliding with me search engine cannon balls. after she's wounded, it's just a matter of fightin' her in. in the words of my good friend Ben,
"yarg"

Wings to Match This Face

2005-04-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

why am i on here three consecutive days in a row? avoiding work of course.

just wanted to jot down a few things

first and foremost the new Queens of the Stone Age CD is most excellent. nice work guys, great addition to the QSA catalog.

secondly, damn there's been a lot of death lately! The Pope, my priest’s mother, comic Mitch Hedberg (nooo why did you have to goooooooo...), it's around the anniversary of Kurt Cobain's and Layne Stanley's passings, and today my friend's little sister found a turtle that had been run over floundering in the gutter (i'm tacking that one on because we really don't think it's gonna make it :( ). so death has been a popular topic on my mind, greiving has been regular... i've prayed for them all, but i think i'll talk of one such experience i had last night that intrigued me by its comfort.

all of the deaths had saddened me, but none had me worried so much as layne. i wanted so much for him to get to Heaven, it was all i could think of that would ease him. yet it still didn't seem right that the most i could hope for him would be the absence of pain. merely an 'absence' of negative didn't seem fulfilling enough, and this distressed me. was that really the most i could pray for him? just not to hurt? i wanted to know he was well, i wanted somehow to feel that he was alright, that maybe he had even heard me and it made him feel better. i thought about it for a while... i even reached the point where i thought 'if i were only able to see one thing in Heaven, i'd want to see Layne- happy' but instead of the word 'happy,' it was more of a mental image, like *insert picture of -him glowing with a golden heavenly shine, smiling faintly- here*. and in that instant, i realized-

'His girlfriend!! she died! her death was what spun him into such a depression; now he could be with HER!'

the image flashed in my brain of the same picture of layne glowing, but now he was holding his girlfriend next to him. i believe the glowing edges of the scene resembled the faint imprint of angel wings.... but i may be wrong.. believe what you will ;)

nevertheless, this was the hope i had been longing for, yes, that was the happy ending. with this picture of calm bliss still glowing in my head, i could finally drift off to sleep in a peaceful state of contentment.

i could close the storybook with a smile.

eh, not the happiest place

2005-04-11T19:20:00.000-07:00

i miss ...stuff. aspects of my life that have changed and i kind of want to go back to the way they were.. so i could progress differently. because now things have changed, yet i still feel it hasn't made a difference; and i liked my former position. i don't know if that position could ever be obtained again, and this saddens me. however i won't say i don't find the growth valuable, that at least i can appreciate. yet i still have longing for what things were before... ha, i just realized i'm describing most of life. i guess that’s why people have memory, so we can preserve the past in our own mental time capsule. but memories are for viewing, not participation; so you just have to learn to be content with them. hm, again, that's basically life. learn to be content. and i have to say i find being content with life is one of the greatest pleasures i've ever known... its a rascally devil though, and with human nature can be quick to lose. i suppose i'll just bide my time until the opportunity presents itself to progress in what i'm wishing to... if it ever does present itself that is. and when it does i hope i can recognize it and know how to handle it.

mmm, i don't like this so much... one of the things that gets me down... ha, desire sucks, especially one i'm not sure how to go about filling.

The Day Seattle Died

2005-04-10T00:41:00.000-07:00

holy shit... I can't believe I never knew... before I listened to Nirv and Alice I.. never knew.. just a cool song with a cool little keyboard solo.. that’s all it was to me before. ha, I can't even type right right now, my fingers are tripping all over themselves and I keep having to hit the delete key. Oh, and who else has had to look at that key when they forget how to spell 'delete'? but back to what I was saying – I just had a small epiphany a few short minutes ago, which of course I had to come on here and write about. see, for the past two/three months or more my interests dove towards the Seattle movement of the early 90s. you know, grunge stuff. Nirvana, Alice In Chains, Mad Season, Pearl Jam, etc.. I was (well still am) especially interested in Layne Stanley, singer of Alice In Chains (and Mad Season) for the layman. within a couple weeks I had all of alice's albums and the one of mad season; couldn't get enough of the guy. I think he really got my sympathy for the heroin use – I mean, he hated it. he knew it was shit for him but he couldn't stop :/ just shows how much that drug can eat you.. don't get me wrong though, Kurt was amazing too of course. it's just Layne didn't take a gun to his head.... one quick suicidal movement.. incredible though that two such monumental musicians should die on the same day. and the song I was talking about is "The Day Seattle Died" by Cold. Scooter wrote it for them both... I hadn't listened to that song for so long, but I just decided to make a playlist called 'April 9th,' and I figured tribute songs would make a great addition to the commemorated work. I remembered reading a while ago that the song was about Kurt and Layne, but it hadn't meant anything much to me at the time. Now with how much time and feeling I’ve put into appreciating those artists, listening to that song hit me like a wall of emotion. I covered my mouth as I actually listened to the words for the first time in so long, and just broke down in tears. It was just that I understood it now, I knew what the song was about.
R.I.P. Layne and Kurt
Please Father, quick flight to Heaven...

I just.. can't.. believe..... I never...... knew.

"The Day Seattle Died"
by Cold, album: Year of the Spider

Turn all the lights down low
Trying to fade your apathy
Made up a world where you can't even be you
Star in a tragedy
A shattered voice on an open chord
They line up around the world just to hear you scream

Blown away by fame
We could all feel the shotgun hit the floor
Never mind in faith if you can't believe

Drowning in misery
The nightmare began when you closed the door
You sat in your angry chair and just tried to be you
The needle became your queen
The drug had become your enemy
And music was just a way for you to bleed

Blown away by fame
We could all feel the shotgun hit the floor
Never mind in faith if you can't believe

Blown away by fame
We could all feel the shotgun hit the floor
Never mind in faith if you can't believe
And he won't believe
And he can't believe

Blown away by fame
We could all feel the shotgun hit the floor
Never mind in faith if you can't believe

Blown away by fame
We could all feel the shotgun hit the floor
Never mind in faith if you can't believe
And he won't believe
And he can't believe
And they won't believe
And they can't believe

weeeeee fresh meat

2005-03-13T01:15:00.000-08:00

i know i know, weeks of nothing and then all of a sudden i'm post happy. well deal :P

so i happen to check in on the LPU see whats up... (which is nothing much cause they're all busy recording :/) and i see a banner in someone's sig that says Porno Pandas. so naturally following my curiosity..i click the banner and arrive at this interesting little website for what happens to be a band...a metal band. yes, a fresh, cute little band still in its frat party/ club stage. they're from Alameda and are just playing little shows over there, and i still need to figure out where that is from where i live to judge whether seeing them is a possibility or not. their songs are mostly instrumentals, which is fine because they're good. they do have a vocalist, but they're still working him in (ah look at how much i go into research on these kinds of things). Think minimalist Pantera. i believe i discovered them about a little more than an hour ago...lol. Juan's page in the Members section is pretty funny (he's the rhythm guitarist). and i have to admit, the bassist is pretty darn good-looking ;P especially when they wear the face paint.. but anyway, back to what REALLY matters, their web address is pornopandas.com

if you're a metal fan definitely give them a try. go to media to download their tracks. "Classical" is my personal favorite.

later then~

Crazy Fun

2005-03-12T12:54:00.000-08:00

haha, i know i've said it before, but i was just reminded again last night - i love my friends!!!! hanging with you people is the best time ever; i don't even have to be doing anything. just curled up on the couch with some of you watching others play Halo2 or something is awesome. knowing that even more of you guys are upstairs versing each other in starcraft (yay puppies xD), others playing pool, watching LOTR:ROTK extended version (of course..), DDR, listening to happy hardcore :D ahhhhhhhh best times ever!! people hanging out all OVER the place. and then playing german spotlight, lol. jeez what else did we do... played quicken..ping pong, foosball, little wooden train set.. oh right, and fascinating ourselves with the special characters on Microsoft Word (yes, i do mean stuff like ßü¢¶¢¬øå etc. lol) btw, chris's house pwns like no other. period.

you guys are all so funny/smart/weird and total dorks. coolest people i know.
better go get to work so i'm free for Sunday :D

(and of course i love you too jamie and toby :P i'm sure if you went to school with us you'd be right in there too!!! haha)

2005-03-12T00:03:00.000-08:00

please everyone feel well ><

2005-03-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

it left!! lonely is gone!!! gone gone GONE, yes, it is very gone. i can only hope everything will be fine now, good times to come; good times, good times. if everything can be good i shall be very happy. please let it all be good, that would be so good. my Father, i thank You, i adore You, You took away the pain... no false devil, i waited and it was gone, for me, it was gone. no false devil. I pray Satan finds his rest, he is the most tortured out of anything. Pray for Lucifer. It is GONE

2005-03-09T22:12:00.000-08:00

The sick is gone. No longer is it sick, but it fears lonely. Lonely, please, not like confusion; confusion caused the sick in the first place. it spat blood that time. tattered wings... its fur was matted, clammy; retching because it was too full, overwhelmed - i was afraid and sad that i made it sick. So sorry. I did not mean it. I don't want to repeat that, I don't know if its allowed to get sick like that; never before had it thrown up blood, its life stream. Shaking too. I shook. We both did... but it is myself, so i'm not sure there's a conjugation for that. but now the sick has been absent, so that was good. but lonely... i hate not knowing how to make it better. just have to wait. always have to wait, but it pays... Please, Father, let lonely leave soon. Blah, i want to fix it so badly. But i don't know how. So yes, i know, wait... and in the meantime enjoy yourself. Yes, i'll keep doing that; thank goodness i have such an agreeable life to love. Life is always better than death. Always.

No pain...

fucking devil

2005-03-09T22:10:00.000-08:00

Father, how much longer until I may fall? Never? Never is a long time...

2005-03-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

No pain.. Silently he whispered the alluring promise. No pain...
My heart stopped.

deeper levels of consciousness

2005-02-23T16:21:00.000-08:00

i thought this merited advertisement:

Pixies - awesome AWESOME band. my friend lent me their Best Of album and Bossanova and there hasn't been a single song on either that i haven't liked. i consider that pretty damn cool, because normally there will be at least a couple songs i'm not so hot on, but no. every single friggin song i've heard so far i've liked. crazy stuff :P so yeah, obviously i support these guys (and teh chick), so if you haven't already heard them and you feel like venturing into a new band, go for it!

oh yeah, this post is going to share my thoughts on a completely different topic. my class has been reading As I Lay Dying, and the general student opinion has been "horrible," "worst book ever," "teh sux0rs," "death," "should be burnt," "the devil lives in it," etc... i read the first 15 sections today. THAT BOOK IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!! the metaphors, the allusions, the STYLE. i love it so much. interpolation - one of the coolest literary devices ever. Vardaman's sections are the best... Dewey Dell is a close second. it's so stream of consciousness... and the author is able to write it SO WELL. that's the style i've been wanting to master for awhile, but it can be just so difficult. to be able to describe emotion and abstract events so CLEARLY. it's really incredible. i think the reason why my peers react towards the book so negatively is because they don't understand it. and i don't blame them, it is pretty complex. you have to be able to read it and picture it and feel it. almost like you let the words become your own stream of consciousness so your brain can naturally comprehend it. very much like when you're in a dream - things happened, and they made perfect sense when you were dreaming, right? but when you try to remember it and think back the dream begins to slip away or the story no longer makes sense. the same is for this book. you have to let that subconscious part of your brain digest it, while recording down in your conscious thinking side what it means. however it's not really WHAT it means so much as the SENSE of what it means. the writing is not concrete, it's stream of consciousness. boy this gets hard to explain... my brain just switches in and does it.... i think that's as much as i can say. i hope it helped anyone who's reading the book and read this.. oh well, the point was to let people know that the book is most definitely not stupid, just above some of you....

dragons evolved from ..stallions?

2005-02-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

ah, finally i remembered to write this down.

well one day i was thinking about horses, and i noticed how similar horse heads and dragon heads look. in European stories anyway. the snout, the jaw, the ears.. just try comparing them one time, i think you'll see a lot of parallels as well. so this got me thinking that horses were probably what artists and storytellers of the day used to draw from. after all the horse was a very common beast, and may have subconsciously infected the people's minds with their powerful nature, much like that which a dragon would have. the necks too are similar, long and strong, arched some. some dragons would even have manes.

if i sat here longer i could probably find more traits, but you get the basic idea. just something i noticed and thought was interesting.

This Is For You

2005-02-12T15:28:00.000-08:00

i've been utterly spoiled, it's far too much. how could i ever deserve it all? this feeling... how many people are blessed to feel as i feel? when i have been lost, i could run towards your light; when i was confused and afraid you would pick up my shaking frame and hold me until i quieted. i could always find a lap to curl up in, a home. in my darkest, most fearful moments you would perform acts of compassion that would leave me stunned. my friends.... what deed could i have possibly done to deserve you?! no matter what i need to talk about, i know that for every and any topic a council of at least 3-4 of you will be there to give solid advice and honest opinions. everything! it's all covered! i need not hide a single query, uncertainty, wonder.. you are all so unique and wonderful that combined anything, anything at all, you will know. you can help. really - anything.

my pack, my love, you have given me a sense that i believe is truly rare; you have made me feel safe. no matter what happens, i am safe, i am protected, i am loved. Tragedy, i know you are a hungry beast and you strike at the moment when your wrenching pain will spread the most. i know that i am still perfectly open for your lunge; however, i do not despise you. i am not as afraid. you see, dear Tragedy, for your bloody gash i have the most tender shroud in which to wrap it. Pain, you bastard child, although you still get the best of me, knowing i have people willing to help me grow again lets me accept you and be less frightened of your parasitic nature. Fear, you know you have tendrils that plunge far too deeply into my soul. your wicked mastiff, Confusion, still scares me with his malicious howl and malevolent bark of chaos. i cannot believe that when you and your hound overpower me i have arms to run to and embrace me until i'm able to purge you from my mind once more. Friends, look at the strength you feed me.

i know not how i could ever repay you. i can only hope that my eternal gratitude and loyal adoration are enough for the security you give. do not hesitate to ask for help of any kind, i'm only too happy to hear your call. and please, if i ever act shamefully or ungratefully - reprimand me, remind me of this grand debt i owe. one aspect of my character i always wish to improve is my altruism. it must be expanded! lately i feel i've been so narcissistic, so drowned in my own life drama. please, if you ever need to talk, let me be open. i promise to give you the best judgment i possibly could.

Father, your generosity astounds me. thank you.....

Friends, my Pack, my Brothers and Sisters,
I love you.

yep

2005-02-10T01:33:00.000-08:00

yeah, i was going to write about my retreat on last weekend, but i wrote it way too personal.... and yeah, i have to say you people aren't special enough to read it :P too bad. you should have tried HARDER. heheh, Zim reference there...
i feel weird these days. school seems just to be getting in the way more and more... i've had drama in my life for the past 5-6 months, and although i have to admit it's been pretty damn twisty and cool, it's kind of beginning to run me down :/ things need to get more stable, just so i can settle for a bit. yeah, i don't even want to think about school, i'm kind of behind in places. i could still catch up, but like i said, i'm tired.... blah, whiney whiney me :P

Current music: Faith No More, album: The Real Thing/ Cold, album: 13 Ways to Bleed on Stage. two super excellent bands. personally i think the latter doesn't get the recognition they deserve :| of course that's common with a lot of good bands, so i donno why i'm talking... however i have to say that besides the music Cold's wardrobe style is awesome. all black with certain colors of the rainbow comes together really well :D go watch some music vids people. like "Just Got Wicked," "End of the World," "No One"..... i love the warble of Scooter's voice. i also love the word "warble" as it so effectively describes the sound it implies..

the pixies remind me of modest mouse; especially the vocalists. i should probably look them up.. i need a Pixies album. and The Mars Volta. and other stuff... as my huger for music is insatiable, lol. i definitely need an NIN record; i'm kind of ashamed i don't have one o.o;; Trent, forgive me!! and Pearl Jam.. HAMMERFALL....uh, Megaherz.. its getting harder for me to find certain Grey Daze songs these days.. come on, i know p2p is far from dead. lets get more sources here people, Grey Daze isn't printed anymore, as Chazy Chaz is with LP now :]

well this post turned into lovely rambling of music. yay. way to avoid homework. i think i'll go rock out to "Hearts on Fire" by Hammerfall now. bye

Well, wish me luck everyone...

2005-02-02T23:36:00.000-08:00

well folks, i've been thinking- (surprise!)
but seriously here, today is February 2nd, which obviously means tomorrow is the 3rd (i hope everyone followed that...). It also happens to be my birthday, and not just any ol' birthday, but my 16th birthday. yup, sweet sixteen, cliché cliché. i don't know how many people think about this, - maybe i'm the only one who stops to observe these concepts - but this is supposed to be one of the best years of my life. this is the beginning of the period everyone wishes to grow up to or go back to. sixteen to the late twenties seems to be the time of life people cherish for youth; there are countless ads and products for the public to melt their age away, to look and feel younger - and girls always seem to try to grow up so fast. Not to the age where you get a job or have to settle down and marry, of course; but to the age of makeup, cars, and *gasp* boys. Guys also go through similar desires (can anyone say "mid-life crisis"?). This seems to be the time where it's at. Another motive for people to turn back time is regret. 16-29 is also a period of great experimentation, growth and development - it's time to get out and live on your own; consequently mistakes are going to be made. rather large ones, too, as grand challenges call for grand failure.

So, in accepting weight and privilege of this phase, i embrace this sought-after stage of existence. Hopefully i'll be able to suck every last enjoyable second from it, and when it's over, i'll be content to move on to the next chapter of my life.

officially i'll enter at 4:44pm.
i will exit at 4:44pm.
i wonder how different i'll be.

fourteen years can be a while.

just a quick update

2005-01-28T10:55:00.000-08:00

okay people, i've finally answered my random question in my profile. i hadn't noticed you could change the question if you didn't like it :P

and since this post seems so short, i'm going to mention that the demo of "Blind" from the Neidermeyer's Mind tape is awesomely creepy. i think i just might love it a little more than the finished song on the album. (i'm talking about Korn, by the way)

Certain Songs

2005-01-27T19:41:00.000-08:00

today is talk about songs and what their effects are on me. remember i consider these posts free writes, so this may or may not follow a logical order.

"Scars" by Papa Roach - not a band i normally listen to, but damn, that song... i'll probably be able to relate to it my whole life. it discussed situations which i've already been through, and things that -knowing my nature- you can bet i'll experience in the future. "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut / my weakness is that I care too much / my scars remind me that the past is real / I tear my heart open just to fail" - I swear i could have written those words. i've surely thought of all those concepts at one time or another. and about the last line.. "i tear my heart open just to fail"... i know exposing myself so deeply to feeling consequently makes me a lot more sensitive; i know that much of the time something painful will happen... yet i find it infinitely preferable to the other extreme. you're just an animated corpse if you don't have emotion. i love to feel, even when i feel like shit. because to me it's worth it for those moments when i feel euphoric. 100 hours of tragedy are worth a last minute of total ecstasy; feeling completely content. you could say i almost get high off it, but don't worry about me, i know that what makes things dangerous is when you abuse them. so i won't forcefully make myself depressed, and likewise i won't take something to make myself happy. that's artificial anyway, so i'd still be against it for that reason, too :P back to that last line though, after writing all of this- if i could just change one word, i'd probably make it "I tear my heart open just to feel" - as that encompasses all of what i just wrote.

"Run" by Snow Patrol - again, this is the only song i've cared to download from this band, don't know if i'll ever look up anything else, but i love it. i listen to it when i feel sad or scared. it just offers me infinite amounts of comfort; i feel like Gary's singing directly to me, and i'll curl up into the warm embrace of the music and cry into his soothing voice. i have yet to find a more consoling song.

"The Promise" by When In Rome - only song i have of theirs...... Okay, i have this weird feeling of connection to the 80s and its sound. mostly stuff with keyboards.... Depeche Mode is awesome :] but yes, weird 80s nostalgia; and this song is just corny/adorable

anything by Korn - i have a weird connection with them too. like i've lived a past life in Bakersfield and grew up with them or something. also, i fell in love with jonathan before, and i especially like the early stuff. back when jonathan was still up in his head. Issues was their peak album for me; for some reason i just can't appreciate the more recent material... for a while i was rabidly collecting concert footage from '93-'96. i even have a preformance from supposedly their third show ever.

anything by Linkin Park, especially demos and stuff from '99 - these guys always make me feel good :] so many happy memories. they always crack me up, too. they treat the fans like a personal connection, and talk to us like we've known each other for years. naturally when i hear their music all these good feelings come back to me.

Fooly Cooly Soundtrack - if anyone knows what i'm talking about, cheers to you. this show was awesome even if it was only six episodes long. the songs in it were a big part of the experience to me, and just listening to them brings back the happy memories of the show. boy that series was messssssssssssed uppppp though, lol

"Reflection" by Tool - all around beautiful. like anything Tool does. genius, the deep lyrics, the haunting in/out fade of Maynard's voice, the slow bouncing beat... so good.. it lulls me into the calmest state of nature.

i've realized that this list could go on for quite a while, and i probably would have no idea where to end... so discussing these songs will just be something i'll do every once in a while. don't know when, but you can bet i'll continue..

time to eat something :0

haha, YES

2005-01-22T21:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, a few posts down when i was basically reviewing Lunar Strain/Subterranean, the only real flaw i saw was the vocals, and upon some investigation i've discovered that Anders was NOT responsible. there was ANOTHER dude singing at that time. so my apologies!!!! I LOVE YOU ANDERS AND I'M SORRY. PLEASE TOUR AMERICA SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON ><

Watch My Thoughts Evolve

2005-01-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

How often it is that people confuse an uneducated opinion for an unbiased one. when it comes down to it, one may think that that there really isn't a difference, but the two couldn't be more opposite. one is even just a silly ideal, while examples of the other are incredibly common and observed everyday.

a trial is one of the typical situations that one would want unbiased people - those who have no relation at all with anyone in the lawsuit, or were even aware of the crime. just people who can act as one collective government-approved official conscience. the court can't have a jury that is personally involved; naturally their feelings would already be leaned towards one side or the other, because they are framiliar with the convicted or the convictors. the government just wants a black and white decision, anything else would become infinitely too complicated for any final verdict to be reached. this is the best solution we have been able to come up with. nothing else could be so cleanly excercised and come to such a decisive end. several "unbiased" people who are chosen to comprise the jury are then given incredibly biased synopsises of the scenario by the witnesses and lawyers of the different parties, and after building an artificial memory of the incident are supposed to then formulate their veiwpoint and vote a simple "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" on the case. yes, this is our court system, EVERYONE gets to be tried by ignorant judgement. funny - the fact that it's used for everybody makes the practice fair. following this logic, i would be perfectly fine getting punched in the kidneys, just as long as the rest of the world gets theirs too.

an unbiased human would be completely paradoxial. you show me an unbiased person and i'll show you a corpse. never gonna happen. people are INCREDIBLY influenced; EVERYTHING affects us. as much as one might not want to think about it, we are a total product of our environment and experiences. everyone has a life, no matter how monotonous some may have us choose to believe. Shit happens, as this famous quote states. everything affects everything; there are many examples and philosophies: the domino effect, a butterfly flapping its wings... people are even fearful of going back in time because they believe that the smallest change of the past might completely rearrange the future. so surely only someone who knows all the happenings of the universe since the beginning of time would be able to rightfully judge anything, and no such person exists.
And the only entity qualified that we know of is God, for those who believe in Him.

but still we wish for such an ideal to be attainable for us, so we go around and lable people experts. and through examples like our trial system we pick up "innocent" people. so we also seem to confuse innocence with ingorance. it's remarkable that such an undesierable trait can be mistaken for the most sought after ones. it's almost as if Ignorance is a disease which wants to mask itself in order to be accepted, so it tricks us as it spreads and infects, having us believe that it's really chastity or indiscriminence or all-knowing wisdom. wow, what a clever little bugger. no wonder so many of our "superior species" have been fooled.

i hope you can taste my sarcasm.

but i don't mean to be anti-humanistic, it's just that Ignorance has so deviously, efficiently, and EASILY won over so many of us that i become disappointed and bitter. and it's such a cunning foe. it breeds confidence and insecurity at the same time in such a way that the infected forcefully blow their confidence out of proportion trying to fill the insecure void. and Ignorance screams at their minds to silence the intellegent, their sworn enemy which they fear the most.
i guess the thing i really want is for people to fight it: realise that they in no way know everything and therefore should always be persuing the unframiliar. I just want the devil that has molested the human race for so long to die. It's campaign has been way too flawless. Please, look at the shackles on your wrists-

And question them.

My Insurance

2005-01-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, just sitting here listening to the Rammstein cd Allison lent me... (thank you!) Hardcore German Industrial all the way xP "Reise, Reise" <- recommended cd of the day. (and the video for "Mein Teil" is just as creepy as the song sounds o_o)

anyway, i was just thinking of kids and how they sleep with those cutesy little stuffed animals. see, i never got that. i always figured if there was some demonic spiky monster in my closet or under the bed, i'd want something just as badass on MY side. Ever seen the Disney version of Sleeping Beauty? yeah well i have a stuffed animal version of that awesome black dragon the evil sourceress turns into. only my dragon is a guy, and his name is Scorch. and he's probably the coolest guy i ever met in my childhood. That's right, we would talk about the human race and the universe and he would tell me about how much more i still have to learn, but that he would help. Oh, and he's also the most sarcastic thing you've ever met. Can't help but love him though.

So, yes, he was MY security. I mean, what the hell is a little teddy going to do when you have a six-foot bladed bastard from Hell climbing over your bed to drag you away to the underworld? -and yes my little head was able to think of all that. i know; i was scary. well, maybe still am... :P Either way, that was my logic, so i had Scorch, and he's frickin awesome ><

Mozzeltoff

2005-01-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

today was fun. gooooood music from amoeba. picked up a couple of Alice In Chains albums, Lunar Strain - Subterranean from In Flames (which i'm thoroughly enjoying right now), Undertow from Tool, Life is Peachy on cassette and Issues on vinyl from Korn. Love it all. blew a good sixty bucks, and i even bought everything used. nice condition though.

it's interesting hearing In Flames's first album... the music is beyond words. Jesper is pure genius when it comes to strings; magnificent.

if only Anders had his vocal up to that standard.

sadly it sounds as if he was totally inexperienced, compared to the music it sounds like crap. like placing Bach with William Hung. but knowing Anders so well i find it almost cute. like "Aww, he hasn't grown into his powers yet, he still has so much more to learn... such a little child when it comes to Melodic Death Metal vocals.. he's just trying to imitate other artists. But he'll find himself soon enough." it's really interesting listening "Clad In Shadows," "Behind Space," Dead Eternity," and "Stand Ablaze," because they've redone all those songs, and now they sound A LOT better. Anders's vocals became much fuller and grand compared to the hollow-sounding shrieks this first cd holds. On it he sounds like the singing dead; on Clayman he is the dead singing life. in short, he makes up for this first attempt with the promise he grows to later. For me, all is forgiven :P

oh but back on the instrument portion. wow. blows me away. nuts. any respectable guitarist lover should own this album. "Biosphere" in particular has this nice fun-but-menacing bouncy beat to it. i guess you'd almost picture it as "pirate music," like 'yo ho ho' and a bottle of rum. "Dreamscape" has got to be one of my favorite instrumentals of theirs. Beautiful, it takes you on a melodic journey visiting lands of lost and gods long forgotten - like much of In Flames' music, really. This album also makes wonderful use of the string section; there's much more than a guitar and a bass on here. the little bit at the end of "Behind Space" and all of "Hårgalåten" are great examples.

oh yeah, and i guess "The Inborn Lifeless" is an early version of "Dead God In Me." Damn i'm glad Anders's singing has improved -.-

i live...........

2005-01-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

haha, thank you jamie and toby for the big intro.. i don't know if i'll be able to live up to such an image, but i like the goal. so yes, my comp was being bitchy and wouldn't show the "make a blog" button, so Jamie went and did it for me. Nice job btw. ever the url... sweet. i think you know me too well.

ummm, not quite sure what to write about right now. my life's been pretty dramatic courtesy of my own head -which i should have probably learned to control by now. i've also been thoroughly enjoying the Nirvana box set "With the Lights Out." it's just packed with good things... and reminded me how much i miss Kurt and wish i could see him. He was an amazing artist. anyone who dislikes the music doesn't understand it. You simply cannot deny talent like that. Thank goodness Dave Grohl has continued with the Foo Fighters. i heard Krist is working on an album as well, but i don't really know any details..

man i want to go to a concert soon.... i'll have to look around. too late for interpol, maybe someone else.. Tool is in the process of making another cd (i'm so excited....), so they'll probably go on tour. Damn i want to see them live. Maynard is genius... which reminds me, i get to go to amobea tomorrow with Jamie, Allison, and Toby. yessssssssssss... Heaven on Earth. i want to build a house out of cds and live there. they have enough to construct a small mansion....

alright, that's enough for a first post.

welcome, depending whom you are that is...

2005-01-16T20:24:00.000-08:00

hi there....this is jamie (temporarily filling in) welcome to haley's blog. she'd be doing this herself but she's in a fight with her cpu....more on that later i'm sure....hey give me the cpu back....

this is a place where you can read about everything that a young lady from southern california chooses to share with the world. will it be interesting? probably. will it be complex and super deep? most definitely. does it really matter? thats up to you.

this is the true story.....

sorry that was someone else helping out, but without further ado,
the next post is from haley

love jamie and toby