by the by...

i've switched to writing on my myspace now. yep, joined the legions, so add me: www.myspace.com/umbilicalheadphones

Petey

holy fucking shit, Peter Dolving is a genius. that's all i can say for now, i'll write more when i get back home. damn, thank you. damn.

edit:
ok, i'm back. actually before i write about peter, i'd like to share my little mini odyssey of the night. i made it to Pasadena just fine, but when i went to drive back i took a different freeway entrance and got a bit lost. suddenly i started seeing signs for Glendale and thought, 'ah this isn't good...' a couple exits later i got off, and by the grace of God it happened to be the one exit i KNEW since i'd used it to go to the YWCA to paint a mural there. thanks to that i was able to get back on the correct freeway and find my way back home :) i know that really isn't much, and i was very fortunate to get off on the exit i did, but for someone who rarely drives outside their town it was quite a little adventure. in fact i laughed coming back cause last Friday i'd meant to take some time to drive around Pasadena and Glendale specifically to explore. funny how stuff works out.

alright, now back to Mr. Dolving, a man who i was delightfully surprised with only a few hours ago. you see, he happens to be the lead singer of The Haunted, a band i'm going to see in concert less than a month from now. That being said, i usually like to research a little on acts i'm going to see if i'm not already obsessed with them (and therefore obviously do not know enough information about). so here i was looking up fan sites of the band when i ran across a link to Peter's myspace (it's http://www.myspace.com/dolving). intrigued, i clicked the link hoping to find some info on his side projects, maybe some humorous personal blurbs. instead i found oh so much more, much more than i could have hoped. when i got to the page the first thing that caught my eye was his personal picture of himself on stage in a very interesting pose. it very much reminded me of Maynard James Keenan, or general Tool album artwork. a faceless (almost) naked body in a curled, shadowed position of isolation. so just by that first image i got high hopes of this page being good. next of course i loved his quote "submit, obey, rejoice." more reinforcement i was venturing into the personal space of an active thinker, someone very aware of the reality of our herding tendencies, our natural love of direction. yet after this my hope dwindled. okay, he's made his little clever, artsy statements; he's got his little "Why Of Course The People Don't Want War" poster. this is probably it, he's shown a little flare for politics and the individual; now we'll just have some brief "hi everyone what's up" journal entries and maybe a band update here or there.

nope. Peter's quite a mouthful.

reading his journal entries is nothing short of pure joy for me. he's real, he's insightful, and i'd go so far as to say he's rather wise. he writes a lot, and he writes often. i usually look up to vocalists because they're the ones who write the lyrics, a point of music i'm much more adept at dissecting and studying, so finding the journals of one so thought provoking and active as Peter is is like an ultimate treasure. i'm looking forward to seeing The Haunted live a thousand times more now, and if i can, i'd love to go around to the tour bus and shake this guy's hand. please keep writing, Mr. Dolving, you've inspired me and shown me blogs are still a very worthwhile endeavor.

REBIRTH

Gah DWW. I don't think that will ever be wiped from my mind. So how's it hanging, people? Fairly well? By a thread? Whatever, however it is you're reading this scrap of virtual notepad I’ve carved out to write whatever the hell I wish. I could write "Hitler kicks ass” or "Hitler licks ass" with the slightest change of keystroke! It’s all for me to decide. Then you can write your own protests on the comments page in utter futility, because hardly anyone takes the time to click that link. "Yeah well I ALWAYS check the comments page, Haley. I enjoy seeing the views of EVERYONE and then communicating my own thoughts in a coherent, relevant manner." Well do you know what that makes you? Hardly anyone! Sad indeed.. fucking Cave..

Anyway, I recently reread this blog and found I really valued what a time capsule it is for my thoughts and views. I may still agree with many of the points, but reading back my own former train of thought and thought pattern was both intriguing and weird. And highlighted once again my own narcissism :) which is a very difficult part of me to grapple with... of course I believe it's bad to be absorbed with oneself, but at the same time I’m fascinated with my own mind, since it is the only one I’m able to be inside of 24/7. The mind is an amazing creation; I thoroughly enjoy my Psychology class. Easily the best class I’ve chosen to take besides Art (remember, English was mandatory. Yeah Padilla!). But yeah, narcissism, hard to handle. Yet at least I’m aware of it; it's horrible to be narcissistic and not know it or care. Ignorance and apathy: the characteristics of Cave dwellers and enemies of Truth.

However since this is my little piece of cyber space I think it'd be appropriate to talk about my life here and there. For example, I have a little minimum wage job now, and I miss the four to sometimes eight hours it eats up out of my day :/ that was time I’d use to talk to friends or contemplate life. Now all that's left is food and homework time, and my mind has rebelled and refuses most of homework time to give itself contemplation time. It demands this inward stimulation since the outward stimulation of discussion has been almost totally denied (yet yesterday I had a wonderful conversation with a coworker about language and traveling. A rare gem of relief in this mindless work). Glad to have this experience though. It proves to me I NEED to get an artistic job, or I may one day just not get out of bed from sheer lack of purpose *shudder*. And in practical terms, if I ever need another quick crap job I’ve got something to put on my résumé.

Alright, this seems a fine bit of rambling for something of a ‘reunion tour’ of posts. Except I’m not doing anything for the mulah! I’m doing it for ME! (and I'm not lying about that!)

Good mood

i thought i'd write now, as i'm in an especially good mood. why the good mood? boils down to good friends, basically. tonight some buddies took me out shopping at Melrose Street to get me some birthday gifts, and it was a great time walking around for a few hours, looking in various shops, seeing what stars had been there too, etc. then my best friend and i chatted even more over AIM, and i also spoke with my Aussi friend, who usually puts me in a good mood. of all my online friends, he definitely clicks with me the most- which is kind of funny. we don't live the same kind of lives, yet there's a level that we meet on, so it doesn't matter. we also happen to be the same age, so that probably helps.
To sum it up, "he's cool."

ok, i think i'll dedicate this post to thoughts on connecting with people.

*having a common passion is an excellent start, but it definitely doesn't seal the deal. you must be able to speak to each other on things relative to your everyday life. if all your conversations usually stick to the common interest, and just vary with sub interests within that interest, don't expect to ever become very close. one topic in which i've found these illusionary friendships to form is during crushes. first off the crusher is feverish, and reaching out for connections in all ways possible. they want HELP. and since this kind of 'love' is an extremely hot topic, people usually respond and come to see what they can do. so now you have two people talking about an incredibly core emotion, so naturally they can come to feel very close to each other - one in gratitude and one in honor of being confided to. yet this relationship will most likely last only as long as the crush does. after that, if no renewal of the topic (a crush) appears, the two 'friends' can fall apart from one another rather quickly.

*when you can threaten one another's lives enthusiastically, with grim details, you're often very close to having a good bond. at least this is how it is with me :]

*connections need mutual amounts of interest. in this case no one person can have "enough zeal for the both of you." if interest is uneven it can lead to awkward feelings and even repulsion by one to another. initiations of contact should be relatively equal. one should not feel "pursued" or "hunted" by the other.

i know i've thought of more things, but i can't remember them all right now. i'll add later - right now i'm getting to bed, as i have an In Flames concert to get to tomorrow. that probably contributed as well to the afore mentioned 'good mood' :]

Så. Tja.

been a while since the last post. every one of my posts could start this way, but this time it applies ..more so. 3 months or so is a record pour moi, heheh.

i enjoy i haven't posted in so long though. this place usually collects my thoughts when i feel troubled or saddened over something, so i haven't been troubled or saddened too greatly for 3 months - i'd say that's good.

i have several things to write on, but i'll start with the one gnawing most at the back of my mind lately - friends vs the 'virtual' ones. for about 7 months now i've been an active member of a forum and website dedicated to one of my favorite bands. the band part may be the pretext, but it really has grown into a very interesting little community. there are members registers from over 25 different countries - i feel like part of a little UN. coming from so many cultural backgrounds, yet everyone treats each other with respect and good will. it's a mini world peace. this place has opened my eyes incredibly regarding the world and how similar humans are no matter where they're from. the idea of being divided into countries almost seems silly to me now, it's a weird way to label people. it's also terribly interesting to look at the clock at 11pm and think, 'hmm, it's 8am in France, Pukie should be up soon,' or come home from school at 3pm and talk with my Australian buddy, Pinball, who's complaining because a phone woke him up just now at 10am; see he's on summer break right now. again, funny, isn't it? we're even whole seasons apart from one another. it really makes you realize how relative everything is; you learn what really matters and what's just circumstance.

this community has also given me a new respect for language. the official language of the boards is English, since that's basically the international language these days. so the majority of the members speak their own language, English, and usually one more (most likely from a country they border). so i sit here and think, 'dang, and here i am just trying to wrap my head around French.' it encourages me to become fluent, and it also encouraged me to pick up a third language, one which just happened to be that of the band :P
Svenska är bra ^^ (Swedish is good.)
and since a good friend of mine from the forum happens to be French, she helps me with the language. imagine! learning French from a native; some people pay hundreds for that.

anyway, so now that you're all wondering, 'where does the friend controversy come in...' here it is: i spend a lot of free time at that place, or thinking about things having to do with it. in fact i don't even talk to my friends from home online any more. i leave the phone for that. my thought on the matter is "AIM is superfluous when i can see those guys everyday at school. if i need to be reached the good ol' phone is always open. the international people i can ONLY see online, so that option should be limited to just them." But some of my friends i don't get to see at school, or at least i see very little of them. this i do regret.. but at the same time i think of how distracting instant messaging can be, and into the later hours of the night. at least with forums you can just reply and that's it, no one's saying "no, no, don't sleep. go look at this website and keep talking with me until IIII want to leave." Also if i talk with out-of-country people the time zones allow it to already be midnight or later by the time i get home from school, so we only talk for one or two hours at most. that greatly helps to limit online time.

i guess i just want my friends who live around me to know that i do care for you all and am trying to figure things out. i love hanging out and going places with you guys, and i hope not seeing you online so often won't damage anything. even if you can't see me on your buddy list, that doesn't mean i've disappeared off the face of the earth.

The Lid to the Box

alright, i need to write something new here, for the radical post of earlier this month has been staring at me for some time with its piercing eyes, begging to know why i did not write it better. and i can't turn to face those burning eyes because of the shame and frustration of NOT being able to express it better. so now i must fill up this worthless space to bury it so i may relieve myself from the pressure of its demands for the time being. sadly i still lack the wisdom and insight required of conveying such ideals and concepts, so the most that is able to be born prematurely is this monstrosity of a manuscript with eyes of deep coal pits which bore into my very being, ever demanding answers which ironically my faults keep me from communicating. therefore in a literary grave i am covering it, and if this topsoil interests you i'm glad it happened to entertain as well.

Please, consider what I'm saying

our hunger, to learn, to know... what eats at us as a race. must discover, must explore, must understand. we yearn, we have wanting for it. want. dissatisfaction if we cannot know, we want to have the universe. this is the root, the original sin we laid upon ourselves. why could we not stay away from that forbidden tree? why did we let ourselves fall from Eden? God took care everything we needed in paradise. we had no need to hunger, to thirst. there was no need. And then we bit the fruit, and stopped to ask "Why?" We took a look around and asked "How?"
from that moment on, humans became like toddlers in their terrible twos; we wanted to do everything ourselves.

and so here we sit in the world today, about 0.00000000000000000000000000000000∞0000.1% of God's knowledge. most of us won't trust Him to give us the perfect answer to everything; we lost belief. when Adam and Eve consumed the forbidden fruit hunger entered our stomachs. this original sin spawned every other sin imaginable because all of a sudden we weren't happy. we became ashamed of our nakedness before Father, and shied away from Him with shame that we'd disobeyed.

ah... i can't always explain everything i want to get across. I'm trying very hard for this though. here, let me make at least this clear:
God made us in His likeness, and wishes to be personally involved with every one of us. since He made us in His likeness, each of us has the ability to personally communicate with God. Really. Speaking from experience, nothing in the world can make you happier than realizing an all-powerful being took the time to listen to you and then answer you. You, a infinitely tiny speck in the universe, was heard and replied to by God, He who made every single thing EVER. He's... It's..It's your creator. He made you... created.. i don't know how much that means to others, but for myself it's especially touching. that word, that idea. so simple a word and yet- You. You have a Master that cares and listens and loves you no matter what.

please, believe me when i write that feeling the repercussions of this is truly amazing and fills me with splendid awe.

and yet even though there is One who would do all of this, we still want to do things on our own. and i know to many this post will sound ridiculous. "She's bashing learning! What, does she think we should all be drooling numbskulls that sit in our own ignorance?" No, i agree we shouldn't be sitting in ignorance, but we SHOULD consult Father instead of relying on our own comparably feeble understanding. it only makes sense. if there was a crystal ball that told you the true answer to anything you asked it, would you want one of your own? Of course you would!! on this matter i must mention a book by Joy Dawson titled Forever Ruined for the Ordinary. in it includes The 24 Ways Through Which God Speaks. really fascinating information.


i was also thinking on the matter of sheep. look at them, herd animals by nature, lead around by their shepherd. those who follow the shepherd, the one who knows what's best for them, are kept safe. yet there are always those who stray from the flock and wander to the patch of grass they think is right. and the shepherd, distressed to find some sheep are missing, goes back to feverishly look for the lost animals; when he finds them he rejoices and brings them home. Jesus made many similar comparisons between humans and sheep, and do you know why? because it's TRUE. look at what has been deemed "the masses." i know this term has a negative connotation, but it does prove the point. we are like herd animals, we watch to see what others do and imitate them to learn for ourselves. naturally in some it shows through more than others. and of course, the herd is not always following the Shepherd. and this is a good part of the reason why the world is in such disarray.

the term "the masses" only proves we are in fact like sheep, but its negative connotation shows our sinful resentment of this. we dislike being tossed into a crowd. we all want to have our own identities... and where did this need for identity start? that's right, at the Fall from Eden, when we bit the fruit and gained self consciousness and the yearning to do things ourselves. and so we all think this yearning is good, when it isn't. people take pride in what they know, people greed to know more, and people compete and war to know the most. and still this little bit of knowledge is nothing compared to Him.

we may not be able to control our natural hunger for knowledge, but the least we can do is get our priorities straight. The all-powerful, all-knowing creator? first. everyone else around you? second. yourself? last, my friend. altruism. learn to love it, along with everything else. personally i find it more pleasurable to enjoy everything than to hate it. yet i can only speak for myself...

I'm not saying go out and blindly follow some cult. I'm just asking you to be humble enough to head God's message of love, to love your neighbor as you love yourself. and if this all does sound like a cult to you, then i wonder what's so bad about a cult of love?